Community and such truck

[Roger]

For what it's worth, over the past few months, or however long, when I log on I have considered Exodus, Daniel, and Erik's Future Erik to be regulars. 

A lot of this always has been, and probably will continue to be in part, about people's perception of reality.  Whatever they perceive is real to them.  If I see them as regulars, then they are to me.  If they don't see themselves as on the inside, then they won't be in their minds.  We're both using the same online program, but we're living it in two different realities.

[scott]

We're both using the same online program, but we're living it in two different realities.

whoa, what a trippy statement.  thanks roger. 

(i live in my own reality)

[Roger]

We're both using the same online program, but we're living it in two different realities.

whoa, what a trippy statement.  thanks roger. 

(i live in my own reality)

You're the philosopher/beat poet.  I just say what comes to mind.

"I'm not just background for your life!"

[the underscore steve]

As someone who has struggled greatly with "fitting in" around here, I honestly think that the single most important element is self-confidence, not what appears to be acceptance or rejection from others.

CanadiDan is a good example of this...he has umpteen thousand posts, but he fit in when he had fewer posts than Daniel or Erik. He ASSUMED he was going to fit in, he acted like he did, and guess what? He did and does, and the Random Board would be diminished without his presence.

Some people - especially newbies - are less likely to fit in around here because they haven't developed a thick skin. Take me for an example; I'm an ass, and I make fun of everyone. I make fun of newbies just like I make fun of Keith - does that mean I don't want either around? Not at all; it's just how I interact around here. Now, maybe I'm at fault to an extent for not helping newbies get their feet wet; but I know for a fact that there aren't ANY regulars around here who babysit newbies until they're used to this place.

Again, I point to the example of Dan - just be yourself, and quit looking for people to give you a reassuring thumbs-up. The .net is the most loving, accepting group of humans I've ever met; we certainly put to shame any church I've ever set foot in. The key is to be yourself, and to assume that we're going to like you, because eventually we all will. Look at the Greens - there's maybe three people among the regulars (me being one of them) who don't think their love of LARPing is weird; and there's maybe three people among the regulars (me certainly NOT being one of them) who wouldn't do ANYTHING to help them out, because we love them.

And that's the great truth of this place; we're all weird, we're all freaks in some regard. That's something that we all know and accept, and we don't judge each other for it. So if you're insecure about your position here, take it up with a counselor or a shrink, because unless your name is Bionicle, you're not going to be treated as a pariah by this place.

[Daniel]

Let me add that I don't feel like an outcast in the least.  I just understand where Erik is coming from.  Sometimes I feel more included than others, and I certainly didn't want to come off as whiny.

[Adriene]

I'll be the first one to admit that I have a somewhat "abrasive" personality, and that in and of itself will probably make some people think I don't like them. I will also admit that I've been one of the ones who has been quick to pile on a newbie when they make a mistake.

The first statement is just a personality quirk of mine - if I pick on you or are "mean" to you, that usually means that I like you. I pick on my friends, so if I pick on you, chances are I consider you a friend.

However, the second is not something I'm proud of.

[Jamie]

I think there are two different points here


the firrst point is I dont think anyone is purposefully excluding.  Which is why I hate the word "clique"  it just implies some... malicious intent.

It is true that some people have closer relationships than others, but some of the people on here have known eachother for years and years.  And some people have met (noI agree with (not so much me) and talked on the phone, and instant messaged, and pmed, and developed relationships OUTSIDE the board that carry over to the board.  I can understand how that seems exclusive, but I think its a matter of knowing people well and loving them deeply.

I know when I first came on the board I was NOT a good newbie.  (and in most ways I am still not) and I totally went through a whole pase of feeling like I didnt belong and annoying everyone (which I usually still do) But I think if you remain true to who you are long enough people start to understand that is who you are, and they either love you, tolerate you, or put you on ignore.  But you have to give people a chance to KNOW you.

My relationships changed when I was more raw with people (especially the girls) and when I started talking to people outside the board.

So it my theory that people arent trying to be cliquish but you have to invite them in.

It frusterates that people say "I dont have time to post more than a couple of words a couple of times a week" and then complain they dont feel community.  Because how we INVEST in you if we dont know you and if you dont have time to get to know us?  Is it fair to compare your relationships and sense of community to people who have been here longer, posted more, become more involed?


On the other hand.  We have been nasty lately. I have been nasty.  its sucks all the owman PMS at the smae time on this board. And I am sorry.  It doesnt help matters.  I doesnt fix things.  It doesnt make other people feel good and it doesnt make me feel good.  I think many of us have dry sarcastic humor, and sometimes that comes across as funny and sometimes its just mean.  and its a fine line.  and I have crossed it.  and I am sorry. 

I really truly love this community.  and I am so greatful to this community to being a source of comfort and distraction the past year.  And I want other people to know you all and experience you like I do. Because you are all so worth knowing.


So now...  practicle question is now what?  how DO we change?

[Adriene]

1) Don't be mean to newbies. Offer CONSTRUCTIVE criticism (not MEAN criticism) if they do something out-of-line. And that does not mean criticize them for posting something that you don't find amusing, unless it is out-and-out tasteless.

2) Don't be condescending. If someone is condescending to you, that's your call. But don't do it first.

3) Know your audience. If you know you can pick on someone and they will know that you are joking, that is fine. But if there is any question, don't do it.

4) If a newbie wants to talk about a subject that has been rehashed multiple times on the board, instead of jumping down their throat and yelling at them about it, post a message pointing to other threads where the subject has been discussed, then encourage them to post their thoughts on those earlier threads instead of a new one. But warn them that the subject is heated.

Those are just a few for starters.

[Geof F. Morris]

We're the Borg.  Eventually, we assimiliate you and add your uniqueness to our own.  But you have to accept that.

Hive mind sucks, but groups of people have hive mentalities.  It's really hard to break that, and I think it's probably unrealistic to expect that we're not going to act with a hive mind.  Should we strive not to do it?  Absolutely.  But the old saw about a person being smart but people being collectively dumb certainly applies to us as well as it does any assemblage.

I have used the statement "A Community of Communities" before, and I do think that it's appropriate.  As much as I hate it, this place can be a lot like high school---most notably the Random Board.  You do have a group of posters that, whether they fully realize it or not, are sitting at the popular table in the cafeteria.  It's somewhat conscious, but somewhat unconscious, too.

Lastly, let me be my normally geeky self and point you to Wikipedia's page on Dunbar's number, which is a neuropsychological precept that sociologists and anthropologists generally concur.  On average, human social groups max out at about 150 people before breaking down, purely because of the recall limitations of the brain.  Look at your church congregations [if you attend]: if you attend a small church, you certainly feel like you have an idea of who everyone is, but if your congregation is above 300 or so, chances are that there's a number of folks whose names you'd have trouble recalling, much less know things about them [how many kids, whether their parents are still alive, what they do for a living, what football teams they root for, etc.].

Social groups are in a state of flux, too.  Being a part of the "popular kids" takes a lot of time and energy, and it has to be a priority for you, I think.  Of course, then you have to ask yourself if that's really a priority.  If not, well, there's lots of other tables in the cafeteria where you can get to know some really cool folks. 

GFM

[heather]

I would add to A's list that when feelings are hurt or angers are riled, you should try PM'ing the person who hurt you/offended you BEFORE making a public statement. It goes lightyears toward helping reconcile a relationship when both sides feel respected.

Most people on this board are good people. They have bad moments (we all do), but when confronted with a simple, honest PM most folks would do whatever it takes to make it right.

[trey]

I love it when geof gets all anthropological on us..

trey ( should have been a sociology major)

[Geof F. Morris]

I love it when geof gets all anthropological on us..

trey ( should have been a sociology major)

I was never interested in this stuff before I somehow ended up in charge here.  Now I'm fascinated by it all.

GFM