Community and such truck

[Jamie]

I think there are two different points here


the firrst point is I dont think anyone is purposefully excluding.  Which is why I hate the word "clique"  it just implies some... malicious intent.

It is true that some people have closer relationships than others, but some of the people on here have known eachother for years and years.  And some people have met (noI agree with (not so much me) and talked on the phone, and instant messaged, and pmed, and developed relationships OUTSIDE the board that carry over to the board.  I can understand how that seems exclusive, but I think its a matter of knowing people well and loving them deeply.

I know when I first came on the board I was NOT a good newbie.  (and in most ways I am still not) and I totally went through a whole pase of feeling like I didnt belong and annoying everyone (which I usually still do) But I think if you remain true to who you are long enough people start to understand that is who you are, and they either love you, tolerate you, or put you on ignore.  But you have to give people a chance to KNOW you.

My relationships changed when I was more raw with people (especially the girls) and when I started talking to people outside the board.

So it my theory that people arent trying to be cliquish but you have to invite them in.

It frusterates that people say "I dont have time to post more than a couple of words a couple of times a week" and then complain they dont feel community.  Because how we INVEST in you if we dont know you and if you dont have time to get to know us?  Is it fair to compare your relationships and sense of community to people who have been here longer, posted more, become more involed?


On the other hand.  We have been nasty lately. I have been nasty.  its sucks all the owman PMS at the smae time on this board. And I am sorry.  It doesnt help matters.  I doesnt fix things.  It doesnt make other people feel good and it doesnt make me feel good.  I think many of us have dry sarcastic humor, and sometimes that comes across as funny and sometimes its just mean.  and its a fine line.  and I have crossed it.  and I am sorry. 

I really truly love this community.  and I am so greatful to this community to being a source of comfort and distraction the past year.  And I want other people to know you all and experience you like I do. Because you are all so worth knowing.


So now...  practicle question is now what?  how DO we change?

[Adriene]

1) Don't be mean to newbies. Offer CONSTRUCTIVE criticism (not MEAN criticism) if they do something out-of-line. And that does not mean criticize them for posting something that you don't find amusing, unless it is out-and-out tasteless.

2) Don't be condescending. If someone is condescending to you, that's your call. But don't do it first.

3) Know your audience. If you know you can pick on someone and they will know that you are joking, that is fine. But if there is any question, don't do it.

4) If a newbie wants to talk about a subject that has been rehashed multiple times on the board, instead of jumping down their throat and yelling at them about it, post a message pointing to other threads where the subject has been discussed, then encourage them to post their thoughts on those earlier threads instead of a new one. But warn them that the subject is heated.

Those are just a few for starters.

[Geof F. Morris]

We're the Borg.  Eventually, we assimiliate you and add your uniqueness to our own.  But you have to accept that.

Hive mind sucks, but groups of people have hive mentalities.  It's really hard to break that, and I think it's probably unrealistic to expect that we're not going to act with a hive mind.  Should we strive not to do it?  Absolutely.  But the old saw about a person being smart but people being collectively dumb certainly applies to us as well as it does any assemblage.

I have used the statement "A Community of Communities" before, and I do think that it's appropriate.  As much as I hate it, this place can be a lot like high school---most notably the Random Board.  You do have a group of posters that, whether they fully realize it or not, are sitting at the popular table in the cafeteria.  It's somewhat conscious, but somewhat unconscious, too.

Lastly, let me be my normally geeky self and point you to Wikipedia's page on Dunbar's number, which is a neuropsychological precept that sociologists and anthropologists generally concur.  On average, human social groups max out at about 150 people before breaking down, purely because of the recall limitations of the brain.  Look at your church congregations [if you attend]: if you attend a small church, you certainly feel like you have an idea of who everyone is, but if your congregation is above 300 or so, chances are that there's a number of folks whose names you'd have trouble recalling, much less know things about them [how many kids, whether their parents are still alive, what they do for a living, what football teams they root for, etc.].

Social groups are in a state of flux, too.  Being a part of the "popular kids" takes a lot of time and energy, and it has to be a priority for you, I think.  Of course, then you have to ask yourself if that's really a priority.  If not, well, there's lots of other tables in the cafeteria where you can get to know some really cool folks. 

GFM

[heather]

I would add to A's list that when feelings are hurt or angers are riled, you should try PM'ing the person who hurt you/offended you BEFORE making a public statement. It goes lightyears toward helping reconcile a relationship when both sides feel respected.

Most people on this board are good people. They have bad moments (we all do), but when confronted with a simple, honest PM most folks would do whatever it takes to make it right.

[trey]

I love it when geof gets all anthropological on us..

trey ( should have been a sociology major)

[Geof F. Morris]

I love it when geof gets all anthropological on us..

trey ( should have been a sociology major)

I was never interested in this stuff before I somehow ended up in charge here.  Now I'm fascinated by it all.

GFM

[Erik]

Steve makes an excellent point, and I think that what he's talking about fits me really. The 'confidence' of fitting in is something I've definitely struggled with, but I think that I've come a long way in recents months (hopefully, this has been appearant to folks other than just me).

As frustrated as my initial comments where when I made them, they were most definitely the exception to the norm - and I'm happy about that. I love the .net, and I know that it'll be a great place to make friends for years to come. As much as we've struggled to feel like we 'belong' (whatever that means), I'm sure that when Rhea and I are actually able to make it to a .net gathering, we'll get along with you all as though we'd known you for our whole lives - and I'm really, really looking forward to that.

[Geof F. Morris]

I may be speaking for myself here, but ... I find it easier to get to know a person by their name and their face, not their handle and a photo of their favorite actor/band/cartoon character/whatever.  Because I believe in this, you quite rarely see me goof off and change my Display Name and photo to that of someone else [I only did it yesterday to relive that glorious Jim Rome-Jim Everett scrum, heh], and I never go more than eight hours or so.

I know that not everyone is comfortable having their name out there.  I understand that.  But understand that, for some of us, not having a name to put with you dehumanizes you.

GFM <-- tries to meet folks halfway.

[Chris (from L.C.)]

I may be speaking for myself here, but ... I find it easier to get to know a person by their name and their face, not their handle and a photo of their favorite actor/band/cartoon character/whatever.  Because I believe in this, you quite rarely see me goof off and change my Display Name and photo to that of someone else [I only did it yesterday to relive that glorious Jim Rome-Jim Everett scrum, heh], and I never go more than eight hours or so.

I know that not everyone is comfortable having their name out there.  I understand that.  But understand that, for some of us, not having a name to put with you dehumanizes you.

GFM <-- tries to meet folks halfway.

I'm waiting until i have a decent, recent photo of me to change from Brick. I mean, sure, he's not as hot as *i* am, but,...you know.

[Geof F. Morris]

I may be speaking for myself here, but ... I find it easier to get to know a person by their name and their face, not their handle and a photo of their favorite actor/band/cartoon character/whatever.  Because I believe in this, you quite rarely see me goof off and change my Display Name and photo to that of someone else [I only did it yesterday to relive that glorious Jim Rome-Jim Everett scrum, heh], and I never go more than eight hours or so.

I know that not everyone is comfortable having their name out there.  I understand that.  But understand that, for some of us, not having a name to put with you dehumanizes you.

GFM <-- tries to meet folks halfway.

I'm waiting until i have a decent, recent photo of me to change from Brick. I mean, sure, he's not as hot as *i* am, but,...you know.

No time like the present, Chris.  An old photo is preferable to none, at least in my eyes.

There's always ...

GFM

[BeautifulMess]

A good compromise, if you don't want to change your handle, is to make sure you sign your posts with your real name.

Mic(haela)

[smiley]

Mic(haela)

I never knew you spelled your name with parentheses before, and here I've been spelling it wrong all this time.

Sorry Mic(haela). 



Mark

[Jason Windsor]

Mic(haela)

This makes me want to pronounce it like it's in Yiddish.

[Chris (from L.C.)]

I may be speaking for myself here, but ... I find it easier to get to know a person by their name and their face, not their handle and a photo of their favorite actor/band/cartoon character/whatever.  Because I believe in this, you quite rarely see me goof off and change my Display Name and photo to that of someone else [I only did it yesterday to relive that glorious Jim Rome-Jim Everett scrum, heh], and I never go more than eight hours or so.

I know that not everyone is comfortable having their name out there.  I understand that.  But understand that, for some of us, not having a name to put with you dehumanizes you.

GFM <-- tries to meet folks halfway.

I'm waiting until i have a decent, recent photo of me to change from Brick. I mean, sure, he's not as hot as *i* am, but,...you know.

No time like the present, Chris.  An old photo is preferable to none, at least in my eyes.

GFM

<---tada.

[-Chris-]

Mic(haela)

This makes me want to pronounce it like it's in Yiddish.